right now, as i sit here between two good friends - i am attempting to establish some sort of perfection - some sort of acceptance? (<---wrong word) some PHONE'S RINGING PAUSE! OMG i totally remember why i love being away from home now!
anwyway where was i...hmm...right perfection - i think that at times i emulate another person that is quite disliked amongst my croud - just in a more aesthetically pleasing way. That is I know how to act.
it's not that i'm not SinCeRE - ITS JUST THAT i feel like i'm too concered with how i look towards other people. I'm sure that this is a common issue - so i will not dwell on it, and besides - i'm sooo happy right now.
****ok mom i'm sincerely done talking to you****
so back to this - i feel as if (note: its awkward having someone watch me write) i strive to emulate this figurine of perfection - and i'm very good at hiding my fakeness - i just have these seemingly predetermined standards that i hold myself to, and if I feel as if i'm not being viewed in that way - then i am hindered somehow.
the trap that i find myself falling into however is that i can intimidate others when i emulate this persona - perhaps because i rarely show weakness unless i'm entirely destroyed in someway - or the fact that (or so i'm told) that i'm ridiculously independent in some ways. Anyway, it pushes people away - and that scares me because I feel like i need people or a "person" near me right now more so than in any other time in my life.
so what do i do? --- well i think i'll probably get some advice in about two seconds so we'll just leave it at that...
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